TWO We had two children and last year they said they wante…

Walking home it became clear my children had never seen a homeless person before. They wanted to know why he had so much stuff. I said he was living there and they said but what about his house and where does he wash and WHAT ABOUT HIS JOB?

Every time they did something good, I’d add £10. Every time they were naughty, I’d take £10 away. £3,000 and we’d go to Disneyland IMMEDIATELY so if they did ten good things a day without being naughty they could go in a month. Easy.

Suddenly they were PERFECT children. I’d get home from work and they’d be all how was your day, can we take your coat?

The day before we were due to go, they were on £2,950. We were playing frisbee in the park and it landed next to a homeless guy. We went over and said hello. His name was John and he was an artist and he did a VERY AMUSING Kermit The Frog impression.

We got home and they said they had an announcement to make like they were calling a press conference. They didn’t want to spend that £2,950 on Disneyland, they wanted it to pay for that guy to have somewhere to live.

I tried to explain homelessness and they were like if he doesn’t have any money, you should just give him some. CHRIST. I said money doesn’t grow on trees and all the spare cash *we* have is taking us Disneyland. YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

I’d say this is nice oh right wait I get it, sure add ten pounds and they’d say ten pounds is that all - we said hi, took your coat - SURE OK ADD SIXTY POUNDS.

FUCKING HELL KIDS WE’RE GOING IN THE MORNING.

I was like ok look it’s a really complicated issue and we don’t even know him and honestly it’s lovely I’m so proud of you but SERIOUSLY GO TO BED we’ve got an early start. But they were adamant.

I went back and told him the story and said look I can’t cancel Disneyland and I don’t have another three grand lying around but we can pay for you to stay in a hostel for a bit. He cried and said no, I cried and said SERIOUSLY THEY’LL NEVER FORGIVE ME.

He said ok thank you and I drove him to a hostel and booked him in. We stayed in touch and he came round for Christmas Day. Bless him he brought a cuddly Mickey and Minnie Mouse with him. Lovely - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

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