metamitya ·
Part of a series connecting insight from Jordan Peterson’s books and lectures to motherhood/femininity.
When Parenthood Sucks
It is clear to anyone watching the news that many women want to avoid motherhood at all costs. And women are not alone in their ambivalence about parenthood. A couple of years ago a Hollywood director, Duncan Jones, tweeted out a rather depressing, and all too prevalent, view of parenting:
I have two kids, 2.5 and 9 months; they are exhausting, frustrating, and life-destabilizing. They are rarely fun. Sure, smiles are great, hugs are lovely, but it’s HARD and not obviously a good choice in life. This is where people feel compelled to say, ‘I wouldn’t change it for the world!’ But you know, of course, I would reconsider! It’s exhausting! It is banal! What it is, is that it is. And they are mine. Hopefully, they will turn out okay.
As frightening as this tweet is, especially considering it was applauded as courageous by many, it is an honest representation of a now-mainstream view of parenthood: It’s not worth it.
These reactions, while shocking to those in happy homes, should be examined. Parenting has become an onerous hardship for many in our day. By comparison, I cannot find many indications that it was this difficult in the past. In reading ancient works of literature and philosophy, I don’t hear Plato complain about his teenagers. Sure, Hamlet was a handful and Juliet’s parents were clueless; but generally, children were viewed as a blessing, a motivation, and a reason for being. Religions were created and wars were fought to ensure “heirs.” Parents didn’t seem “distressed” by the work and sacrifice of children the way we are today. Children were a fact of life- the continuation of life. As we progress materially, with more modern conveniences and free time, paradoxically parenthood seems to be more difficult, more disruptive, and more “life-destabilizing.”
The Burden of Ease
I recently discovered one of the root causes of our current plague of joyless parents and unprepared children: modern dentistry. I had a horrific toothache on Christmas Eve. The pain was excruciating. Luckily, within a few days, an endodontist had done a root canal. I am now recovered, only slightly traumatized from the experience.
I want you to picture yourself as a new mother in the Middle Ages. After a painful birth, you are handed your precious newborn. You gaze upon her sweet innocence, and in that gaze of love and appreciation comes flooding in the harsh truth: multiple times during this child’s life she will have an agonizing toothache and—with no pain relief—have her teeth torn out of her jaw. Do you think, in your life of motherhood, you would worry about your lack of time for hobbies? Do you think you would fret about the strict schoolmaster? Do you think you would escort your 10-year-old son to fetch water? You have toothaches coming—it’s time to toughen up. Your primary concern would be survival and strengthening your children against the inevitable agonies of life. Our female progenitors knew there was really no way to protect their children from significant pain.
When women have a child everything changes—Medieval or Modern. But it seems to change more for modern women. When modern women have children, the same biological and God-given desire to protect ignites in us as it did in women of the past— but we don’t have near the same dangers. And on top of that, we have an added expectation of fulfilling all our child’s desires. In a novocaine-free world, such a quest would seem like something out of Fairyland. All this underscores just how to ruin parenthood (and childhood): attempt to protect and keep our child happy for 18 years. That is life-destabilizing.
Jordan Peterson speaks often and boldly against the over-protective nature of modern parents, making kids weak and parents miserable. He advises that we teach our children to “face the challenge of life forthrightly,” adding, “You can’t protect your children, you can only make them strong, and then they can protect themselves.”
The Pendulum Swings
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back to the Dark Ages. No one appreciates Novocaine more than I do. I don’t think it was good to send 15-year-olds off to war and I doubt most Dark Age mothers were model parents. But the pendulum has swung too far the other way. Rather than raising hardened toothache-ready children, we are raising children unequipped for the intrinsic difficulties of life. Evidence suggests that incoming college students today experience greater levels of stress and psychopathology than at any time in the nation’s history (check out the work of Jonathan Haidt for more on the increasing fragility of young people).
Young people today might not have to fight in the Crusades but they do need to succeed in life, develop relationships, and confront threatening ideas and people. Our children encounter trials that our ancestors never faced—such as attempting to maintain their virtue …