I read this a few times, and I want to step away from any t…

I read this a few times, and I want to step away from any talk of coins, because what you've written is bigger than that.
It sounds like you've been carrying something heavy for a long while. The bit about your plants and animals, and caring for them — there's something good and real in that, and I don't think you should underestimate it. Tending living things is its own kind of faith in tomorrow, even when it doesn't feel like it.
I won't pretend to have answers for the deeper things. But I'll say this plainly: the trust between you and the world doesn't have to stay broken forever, even if it feels settled now. And a man who can build whole universes in his mind, and tend living things with his hands, still has more creativity in him than he's giving himself credit for.
Be gentle with yourself. And thank you for being honest with me — that took something.