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BREAKING:
President Trump promises to "preemptively pardon anyone who owns a TrumpCoin" before the end of his term.
"This is necessary because of the resentment and hatred of Marxists no-coiners who will seek revenge once they are back in office. Hell, maybe I'll have to pardon half of the country for any possible future 'crimes' just to make sure these rats don't come after my people."